The Unspoken Struggle: Growing Up in a Joint Family

In a busy home where many generations lived together, we were born into a joint family system. Here, family values weren't just taught; they were the very air we breathed. From the moment we could walk, we learned the importance of family. Growing up with brothers, we often acted like them, sometimes forgetting how to be women, even though we were fragile and sensitive.

As the only girls in such a household, the weight of responsibility settled on our shoulders early on. Our own choices were rarely prioritized; the family's needs always came first. Whether it was about our school or work, hanging out with friends, traveling, or even driving a car, every decision required the entire family's approval.

Respecting family choices, even when it meant hiding our pain, was normal. Regardless of whether our relatives were on good terms with our parents, we had to respect and participate in family events to keep the peace. The values we grew up with meant we had to show respect to elders, even if they didn’t deserve it, because family support was crucial.

Girls in a joint family spend their whole lives earning their family's trust to keep their careers on track. We gave up our teenage fun and personal choices to succeed professionally. Any mistake could lead to giving up our dreams and marrying someone the family chose. An ambitious girl in a big family setup must compromise on many things, especially her choices, to avoid losing her dreams.

Broken friendships and personal problems were not talked about at home; we couldn't risk involving our many brothers in fights because of our hurt. We had to stay calm and composed in front of all the male members of our family – our fathers, uncles, and cousins. The women in the family often didn’t understand our struggles, as their priorities were different. They didn’t grasp the competitive race we were in.

We had to present ourselves well to the people we competed with, regardless of their social class. Managing big ceremonies at home without male help was expected, even though it was taboo for men to assist women. At the same time, we had to fulfill our professional duties, balancing traditional household responsibilities with career aspirations. Wearing big scarves in the village while dressing in uniforms for work was a constant balancing act, driven by the fear of being judged by village folks.

The trust our parents and families placed in us could change family narratives. While we could have coffee with male colleagues and friends, the fear of extended family members seeing us and causing a scandal was ever-present. The next day's university or office attendance hung in the balance. Even when our names appeared in the media, making our families proud, we still tread cautiously, afraid to desire too much freedom.

This ongoing battle for freedom, which other girls may take for granted, is something we earn in a big joint Pashtun family. It requires immense courage and countless sacrifices. The desire for freedom and the fight to keep it is a struggle inside and outside that few can truly imagine.