Between Life and Loss

 Between Life and Loss: 

My Cousin’s Battle with Schizophrenia

His body blanched, swollen, his son recognized him by the shoes he wore. “Yes, this is my father”. They had been looking for him for some time. It was a new neighbourhood , unfamiliar territory. The wife wanted a better life, so they moved to this place from the village. He must have slipped and drowned. It couldn’t have been suicide. My cousin Sheikh Wali was more than just a corpse. One night he quizzed us-about a flower that was also a vegetable. We failed and he at the end answered, cauliflower. He came to live with us and helped us with our studies when it was exam time. He taught me how to write, drawing letters and numbers in black ink for me to fill them with the color of my choice. He had the most crystal-clear blue eyes, wide and big. His beard was reddish in tone. Tall, thin, handsome man with good hygiene, clean clothes, I still remember his scent. On my birthday in Class 5 he brought two cakes for my fellows. He parked his red motorcycle in the front and produced the goods. I will never forget his generosity. For Class 6 Art exhibition we drew rigid lines and colored in what was a factory. The one thing that was most artistic about that project was the smoke coming out from one of the chimneys. It required strokes and circles and motions of the hand. We shared that vision. I knew it wouldn’t win but was grateful I had something to show to my friends. A girl from Chitral, practically a genius, won the prize. We left Pakistan that year. “You and your sister are gems on a ring” ghalmee is the Pashtu word he used. We visited the village on one of our visits later, where he had settled with his wife and children and were shocked to see his transformation. He had gotten thinner from all the walking he did. Darker in skin from exposure to the sun. His eyes had a bewildered look. His beautiful smile and gentle demure were replaced with chaos within. He spoke in gibberish at times. We had lost our cousin to schizophrenia. His elder brother had been sick for decades, but he was never a part of my life. Sheikh Wali was. He was a devoted son. An exemplary human. A caring husband and a loving father. Moreover, he was a man of honor. He knew how to be gentle to children and respectful to elders. We loved him so much. He was dear to us and his tragic death shook us to our core. Hearing “he was suffering so much it’s a relief his life ended” is the kind of logic that doesn't make sense to me. Nobody deserves to die in this manner no matter how terrible the circumstances. It’s one thing to not have access to proper medicine, it’s another where there is a death of professionals in the field. Traveling from a remote village to Peshawar for treatment is a burden on caretakers and the sick as well. It’s alarming to read the statistic that “In a population of 200 million people in Pakistan, approximately 22 million have a mental illness, but only about 500 qualified psychiatrists are practising in the country, producing a ratio of one psychiatrist for 400 000 people” 1 Mental illnesses need constant monitoring. I don’t even want to imagine what being inside a facility must be like in countries like Pakistan. Sometimes I wonder if Sheikh Wali had stayed in the village where he knew the terrain and had the freedom to be, he’d still be alive. Alas, we can only wish for things to be different. I visited the house in which he lived his last few days. His wife pointed to a balcony and shared that he would stay up there and sleep there too. He must have liked the view such height presented and the breeze that may have come in. Illnesses of the mind skip a generation. My prayers are that his children are healthy and do not inherit the curse of schizophrenia/bipolar. That they reach their full potential. May Allah have mercy on his soul, ameen.


By:

Farzana Khan

Twitter: @endofsentensez

1 Qadir, Tooba Fatima, et al. “Criminal Responsibility and Mental Illness in Pakistan.” The Lancet

Psychiatry, vol. 4, no. 2, Feb. 2017, pp. 97–98, https://doi.org/10.1016/S2215-0366(16)30447-3. 

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